No Family Is the Same: A Caregiving Parent Perspective on Divorce

As a young child, I was surrounded by the most amazing family. There were family gatherings, family vacations, and memories. And then, one day, nothing was the same.

I found out at a young age that my parents had been divorced since I was 5, but remained together. It was heartbreaking for me. From then on, I knew I didn't want my kids to experience anything close to that. I wanted my children to have 2 parents together, raising their family, taking responsibility, and working to be better each and every day.

As I grew older and had a family of my own, with circumstances completely different than my parents, I realized that outside opinions are irrelevant and you should do what you feel is right. There will never be a crystal ball to know the right thing to do, so you have to trust yourself in the process, finding ways to get through each day.

My experience with divorced parents

In sixth grade, when I found out my parents had been divorced since I was 5, I felt like I lived a lie and that my parents had let me down. In reality, they were doing what they thought was best.

My parents went back and forth until my junior year of high school when they decided to split for good. Even though they went back and forth for years, the split was still extremely hard on me and made me want different for my future children.

Fast forward to my own marriage

In the last 9 years of my marriage, my husband and I have faced struggles in and out of our control. I did not want my children to experience the type of relationship my parents had. I wanted to do everything I could to make my marriage work, even if I had to go through very difficult times before getting there.

My husband and I have contemplated divorce many times, one being very recently. I had plans to move out but in my heart, I wanted to still make it work. Remembering what my parents did for years, the move was canceled 3 weeks before. I wanted different for my kids.

Relationships and medically complex families

There are many home environments where divorce is inevitable. My intentions in this article are not to offend anyone who chooses to divorce, so please do not take it that way. The more medically complex families I meet, the more I have gathered that these families have high divorce rates.

However, I have also noticed that many families stay together, and one parent just accepts this is how it needs to be. One being the breadwinner and the other being a caregiver. Being the breadwinner and a caregiver can be exhausting for both people.

Taking responsibility for ourselves

We are all human. We aren't perfect, and we never will be. However, we all can take responsibility for what we do well, wrong, and everything in between to contribute to our households. The more I experience in my personal life and the more families I meet, the more situations I notice where responsibility is lacking within families. Whether these reasons stem from ego, immaturity, or inability to adapt, it shouldn't make a difference at the end of the day.

My personal opinion is that taking responsibility for yourself and having an open mind is the first step in working towards a healthier home environment. This can also help you be a healthy caregiver and partner. Being able to recognize strengths and weaknesses of yourself, your spouse, and your family dynamic shows true dedication to wanting better for your family.

You know your family best

I know no person is perfect, and no perfect home environment exists. I will never claim to be an expert, as my marriage and personal relationships have had their challenges.

However, I firmly believe in doing what you feel is right. We are all guilty of venting and allowing others to influence us from time to time, but minimizing outside opinions can help us make rational decisions for our family. You are the one who knows your family best. Only you can make the choice that most benefits them.

What "family" means to me now

Since having a family of my own, my idea of "family" has remained the same in some ways and changed in others.

What has stuck with me throughout is wanting different for my kids: 2 parents together versus apart.

What has changed is my idea of it being "easy." That is the furthest from the truth. Every family dynamic is different; most of us are a hot mess. That's okay. We are just trying to get through this chaotic life, one day at a time.

Dynamics within rare disease families

Dynamics with rare disease families can be very unique. Not always being beneficial to the parents but for the child or children involved. Some of these reasons can be for caregiving, insurance, or financial reasons.

If you are someone in this position, I want you to know that you are amazing, selfless, and not alone. I know many who have struggled emotionally and mentally being in this place. Please take care of yourself while taking care of your child. You are worthy of being happy.

Unfortunately, there's no crystal ball to get your answers as to what is best or what will happen. I wish there were. I think it would save a lot of us the emotional and mental drain that this life brings us. I will say that finding your community of people who get it and are open and honest about it is so important. This can make all the difference in getting through difficult times.

I am appreciative of every rare family I have met so far and take something positive from every one of you. I hope to continue inspiring others by sharing my experience and learning from others I meet.