Tips for How to Set Boundaries With Others

More likely than not, if you're reading this, then you've likely experienced someone crossing your boundaries as a chronic illness/rare disease patient, telling you or implying that your condition isn't as bad as it seems, as bad as you present it, or maybe even that it's all in your head.

Some go out of their way to say such things to patients, and others perhaps didn't mean harm but did cause harm. Either way, it can be highly upsetting and triggering when our lived experiences aren't validated and are even thrown back into our faces as falsehoods.

How to begin enacting boundaries

A big part of self-care and self-love is boundaries, including boundaries to limit how we allow others to treat us. The boundaries we set with others may be minor, while others may be quite large, such as severing relationships. Like many others, I'm continuing to practice and learn that lesson. Like with any habit, the first steps start small and, with consistency, can be expanded.

When we start using our voice to assert boundaries, the line may look different depending on who the boundary is being set with, what the situation is, etc. Being mindful of utilizing healthy communication can make a big difference in relationships, especially during a confrontation moment of setting a boundary.

Reminders for healthy communication

A few of my biggest communication reminders are to:

• Take a deep breath and allow yourself space before responding.
• Think about what you're feeling and what boundary you want to set before saying anything.
• Remain calm and composed; this includes body behavior and tone of voice. If needed, excuse yourself from the situation to allow for additional space/time.
• Ask for clarity. For example, reply "Did I understand this correctly for you to mean this?" or, "What I'm hearing is this..."
• Use "I" language to express what your expectation is for the relationship and boundary being set.
• Disengage and distance from the conversation/situation if it leads to an argument.
• Don't take someone else's hurtful behavior/words personally: those are reflections of that person, not you.

Remember that you have every right to set boundaries that you are comfortable with. You deserve respect. Allow yourself grace if you didn't handle the situation the way you wanted.

Some individuals only require a small, polite notification, such as "I don't appreciate being spoken to that way" or "I don't appreciate where this conversation is heading. We can discuss something else; otherwise, I am ending this conversation here."

Others may require a much more drastic approach, and some, especially strangers trolling on the internet, are best to simply ignore and block.

Practice the conversation with role-play

Suppose one isn't used to confrontation, which is often part of setting boundaries. In that case, role-playing the situation can allow someone to form an idea of what they want to say, the boundary they want to set, and the possibilities of how the confrontation will play out.

Role-playing a difficult conversation allows for the preparation of various possibilities rather than being left without an idea of how to respond when a situation veers off the hoped-for outcome or response by the other party. Role-play is one tool that aids in building self-confidence in using one's voice.

We all deserve respect

The more one practices setting boundaries, the easier it is, and the greater one's confidence and self-esteem become as we begin to see ourselves as individuals deserving of respect, to be listened to and validated for our lived health experiences.

What has your experience been with others when setting boundaries? What tips do you recommend?